J500 Media and the Environment


Back from the Future: 2050 by rarab

Okay, a brief explanation: After posting the candidates’ environmental policies, I was pretty disappointed to discover that even the ones I like had pretty tame recommendations when it came to curbing carbon emissions. The two most progressive candidates on this issue call for a reduction of 80% from 1990 levels by the year 2050. 2050?!! Are you kidding me? I’ll be, like, 80 years old… but on the positive side, by my calculations, I should be close to finishing my master’s by then.

Anyway, depressed and disappointed, I did what any normal human would do: I travelled through time. Not into that, you say? Well, it’s actually quite easy these days–all you need is an exercise bike, a flux capictor, and lots of Guinness Stout.

With that in mind, I was able to return with a newspaper article announcing the achievement of this environmental goal, so here it is:

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President Announces Reduction of Carbon Emissions
EMPORIA, Kan. (AP)—President Miley Cyrus held an impromptu press conference today in the Office Max Oval Office of the Home Depot White House—Home Depot, where no project is too big or too small—to announce that These Remaining United States (TRUSA) had finally reached its goal of reducing carbon emission by 80 percent from the 1990 levels, a plan set in place by President Barack Obama just two years before The Big Catastrophe.

“Dudes, this totally rocks,” President Cyrus said. “I only wish that the good people of the eastern and western coast lines were around to celebrate this monumental accomplishment.”

To commemorate the return to 1990s levels, Cyrus unveiled plans for a national day of remembrance, where citizens would be asked to dress as their favorite characters from 1990s history, a move that is certain to boost sales of flannel shirts and berets. The president also mentioned that “I Like Big Butts” will be the official song for the national holiday.

“Personally, I’m going to dress up as some woman named Courtney Love,” Cyrus said. Then, in a throaty voice, she delivered her best impression: “Someday you will ache like I ache…”

Vice President Hannah Montana, meanwhile, did not make an appearance at the news conference, but aides assure us she will be on hand for the American Idol State of the Union concert. It has been speculated that Montana will observe “’90s Day” as either one of the Right Said Fred guys or perhaps as RuPal.

When asked by reporters why the reductions were still significant, Cyrus removed her self-contained breathing apparatus, and took in a deep breath—an action that was met with a combination of shock and awe from the reporters.

“Did you see that homies,” the president proudly proclaimed. “I can totally breathe the air now without coughing for more than two hours.” She then underwent a hysterical coughing fit and was led away by her team of physicians, who warned others not to attempt the same stunt.

In her place, Wal-Mart Secretary of Major Disasters Zach Efron said the reductions were a “dance step” in the right direction, but that more needed to be done.

“I mean, we’re still debating the legitimacy of climate change—it’s starting to get ridiculous,” Efron said. “Really, folks, if climate change wasn’t happening would I be holding this press conference in my swimming trunks? Would our nation’s capital have been moved to Emporia, Kansas? Would Air Force One have been replaced with Bicycle Rickshaw One? I don’t think so!”

Efron then broke into a song and dance routine titled, “I Remember Snowmen,” to emphasize his point, but he twisted an ankle while performing a cartwheel for the last verse and had to be hauled off on a stretcher. He did, however, give reporters a thumbs-up sign to indicate he wasn’t seriously injured this time.

Meanwhile, critics of climate change held their own press conference in response to the president’s announcement. The critics, led by Exxon Oklahoma Senator Paris Hilton, said the excitement over the reduced levels was much ado about nothing.

“You’re not allowed to say ‘It’s hot’ because I trademarked the phrase years before The Big Catastrophe,” Hilton said. “Besides, I have a pretty good idea of how hot things are and quite frankly things aren’t all that hot these days.”

When reached at his home in suburban Chicago, former President Barack Obama had only a simple statement for reporters: “I’ve run out of hope.”

–30–

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–Ranjit

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5 Comments so far
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Cough cough. Congresswoman Hilton can’t deny that Leo DiCaprio is the hottest head of the EPA ever.
So what is so magical about 2050? Other than the fact the wheatstate/ breadbasket of America will be in Canada?

Simran Sethi

Comment by j500

[…] J500/ES624 Media & The Environment wrote an interesting post today on Back from the Future: 2050Here’s a quick excerptThe critics, led by Exxon Oklahoma Senator Paris Hilton, said the excitement over the reduced levels was much ado about nothing…. […]

Pingback by Paris Hilton » Back from the Future: 2050

You obviously haven’t been into the future. Everybody knows the EPA was disbanded in 2027 when its director, Michael Brown Jr., failed to prevent the creation of the infamous Toxic Whale-Shark, which developed as a result of widespread water pollution. The Toxic Whale-Shark still demands that one teenager be sacrificed to him monthly, so that’s a major national issue right now (I mean, in the future).

Leo DiCaprio, meanwhile, grew increasingly frustrated with environmental activism and abandoned it altogether by 2031, choosing instead a life of solitude. He does, however, remain active through a line of pasta sauces he created(“Uncle Leo’s Old Style Organic Sauces…made with REAL WATER!”)

Ranjit Arab

Comment by rarab

Awww… I love popular culture and celebrities and their exploits. But I got your point: We(media and consumers) are spending too much time on things that don’t matter (i.e. What Brit was up to last weekend) and not focusing enought on the environmental crisis.

Because popular culture is so important to me and many other Americans, maybe we could find a way to integrate the two, vis-a-vis NBC last year (although its attempts were somewhat lame).

No, we can’t wait, and it will take a strong leader in the White House next year to take a stand and work with congress to (shudder) pass regulations that don’t violate the Constitution but still adequetly alleviate the issue sooner rather than later.

I guess your comment on my post last week did have a tremendous affect on me. Ebony and Ivory? Maybe when liberals realize conservative politics too can be progressive and get rid of that term to describe their political ideologies.

Just messing with you, kind of.

J.J. DeSimone

Comment by jjdesimone

JJ,

Great points. I especially appreciated this:

“No, we can’t wait, and it will take a strong leader in the White House next year to take a stand and work with congress to (shudder) pass regulations that don’t violate the Constitution but still adequetly alleviate the issue sooner rather than later.”

You’re exactly right–regardless of who takes over, we need someone much more committed to the cause. Fortunately, it looks like the two Democratic frontrunners and McCain all seem to have better plans than the status quo. I’m glad you agree that some Constitutionally-safe regulation is in order–I know that’s a major compromise from your side. We liberals would be wise to do the same and find ways where the market can be encouraged to be proactive.

I also really liked this:

“Maybe when liberals realize conservative politics too can be progressive and get rid of that term to describe their political ideologies.”

Good point. As I’ve found from my work on the immigration issue, progressive political vision is not exclusive to one side of the fence. The type of conservative progressivism I’d like to see is somewhat along the lines of the conscientious CEOs/businesses showcased in the documentary, “The Corporation.”

As for our duet…I’m leaning more toward “Man in the Mirror” these days, but that’s only because it’s more in my vocal range…

Ranjit A

Comment by rarab




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